Coming from where I was to where I am has been no small feat. I take all my experiences and use them as a guide; not allowing myself to get back caught up into situations so stressful, so demanding and so painful it makes life not worth living. Being back in the word of the living still has it's ups and down. Although I want to believe that everyone has good in their heart, my beliefs might be slightly misguided. After bouncing in and out of people’s lives over the past few months, I’ve notice that I’m still not truly happy. I do what I want, go where I want and though that’s something that I like very much, it alone is not enough to make me happy.
Why do I still want more? need more? I see it as a combination of things. My needs are simple yet complicated at the same time. For me, I need someone in my life that needs me; to be there, to hold, to comfort, to talk to, to give advise to, to take care of. My other need is for someone to really know me. If you think you know me than you’re sadly mistaken. Until I have walked you down to the darknesses of my thoughts and my of life, you will never truly know me.
So Famous, you know what you need, go get it. If life were that easy everyone would be happy. I’ve been proactive my attempts of getting my needs met with very little success. In doing so, I believe I have drifted further and further away from getting what I want. For that reason, I have decided to take a step back and remove myself from the immense longing to fill my needs.
Where does that leave me? The same place I’ve been for the longest time; alone. Give up? That’s not for me. I have been through far worse than this. This is just a big stepping-stone that I’ve been walking across trying to find the next stone in the direction of my happy life. I have no doubts about my reaching that next stone. I must remain patient; something I haven’t been much of late.
The me that I used to know (found here) was lost in an imaginary world he created for himself; only thinking of others and killing himself in the process all for what? Love? Happiness? A place to belong? By the end I had given up almost everything; friends, family, money, car, sleep, mind… life. I had become an empty vessel. And I pause today because I find myself trying to go back down a very similar road. The signs look the same, it feels the same, bends the same and even flows the same yet I’m lured in with no thought of stopping. Until I felt it. The pain. Pain so deep, so crushing that I found myself asking is life worth living again. That’s not a place I want to return to.
My mind is now made up. Reflect, get motivated and redirect my life. If you’re not going to help, please get out of my life.
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